It has been a sad couple of days indeed. First the world lost Farrah Fawcett and The King of Pop, Michael Jackson on the same day – then over the weekend we lost the greatest pitchman to ever grace our television screens, Billy Mays.
Who can forget Billy's big break with Oxi-Clean? Initially like many, I couldn't stand Billy; His in-your-face style was overwhelming: “HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH OXI-CLEAN!!!!” With time however, he grew on me and slowly I found myself getting excited when he appeared on my TV. I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but I had a revelation: Billy wasn't yelling at me, he was yelling to me as if to say, “TRUST ME, THIS ISN'T BULLSHIT, THIS PRODUCT ACTUALLY WORKS AND I'M PRACTICALLY GIVING IT AWAY FOR FREE!!!”
Billy always knew how to make us laugh, whether it was trying to convince us that Mighty Putty was strong enough to pull a tractor trailer, or challenging Vince Shlomi, owner and pitchman for ShamWow!, to a pitch-off during a radio interview to see who is the better promoter. Billy was more than just a pitchman, he was an entertainer.
What saddens me the most is that, like Michael, Billy was taken from us at the young age of 50 and during the prime of a career that he worked so hard to create. Billy was a pioneer and recently used his celebrity to transcend the world of product promotion. He started his own TV show called “Pitchmen” and gave the world a behind-the-scenes look at how these “As seen on TV” products go from ideas to cash cows.
Billy accomplished much in his short life, but he was taken from us before he could ever promote a video game. I can only imagine just how great he would have been had he been given the chance. His recent ESPN 360 commercial is hilarious and shows that his in-your-face style can be adapted to promote almost any product. So, in honor of Billy, I write “5 games Billy should have pitched,” in a way that only he could have promoted them. Rest in peace Billy, you may be gone, but you will never be forgotten; You're just one YouTube click away.
Hit the jump for Billy's promos as well as some hilarious videos to remember him by.
HI … BILLY MAYS HERE FOR MADDEN NFL 10, THE ONLY FOOTBALL GAME YOU'LL EVER NEED! THE SECRET IS IN ITS EXCLUSIVE NFL LICENSE, MAKING IT THE ONLY GAME WITH REAL NFL PLAYERS IN IT!!! NFL 2K? ALL PRO FOOTBALL? WHO NEEDS THEM! MADDEN NFL 10 HAS ALL THE GAMEPLAY MODES YOU WANT, AND NONE OF THE FEATURES YOU DON'T – AND ALL FOR JUST $59.99! BUT WAIT, CALL NOW AND I'LL THROW IN THE NEW ONLINE FRANCHISE MODE, ABSOLUTELY FREE – just pay processing – BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL HAVE JOHN MADDEN PERSONALLY SIGN YOUR COPY OF THE GAME – A $100 VALUE, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE – just pay processing – THAT'S ONE SIGNED COPY OF MADDEN NFL 10 WITH THE NEW ONLINE FRANCHISE MODE, A $159.99 VALUE FOR JUST A WHOPPING $59.99! DON'T BE THE ONLY KID ON YOUR STREET WITHOUT THIS GAME! HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!
HI … BILLY MAYS HERE FOR NBA 2K10, THE BEST BASKETBALL VIDEO GAME MONEY CAN BUY! OTHER BASKETBALL SIMS DON'T TAKE THEMSELVES SERIOUSLY! FANS WANT A GAME TRUE TO THE SPORT AND NBA 2K10 DELIVERS THAT TIME AND TIME AGAIN! GREAT GRAPHICS? CHECK! GREAT GAMEPLAY? CHECK! GREAT FRANCHISE MODE? CHECK! NBA 2K10 HAS IT ALL AND FOR JUST $59.99! BUT WAIT, CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN RIGHT NOW AND I'LL GIVE YOU UNLIMTED ROSTER UPDATES SO THAT YOU'LL NEVER NEED ANOTHER 2K BASKETBALL GAME AGAIN! THAT'S OVER A $1,200 VALUE, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE – just pay processing – BUT WAIT, THAT'S NOT ALL! NBA 2K10 IS SLATED TO RELEASE IN SEPTEMBER, BUT IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW I'LL OVERNIGHT SHIP IT TO YOUR HOUSE ABSOLUTELY FREE! – just pay overnight shipping fees – THAT'S NBA 2K10 WITH UNLIMITED ROSTER UPDATES 3 MONTHS AHEAD OF THE RELEASE DATE FOR JUST $59.99! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! CALL NOW!
HI … BILLY MAYS HERE FOR FIGHT NIGHT ROUND 4, THE MOST REALISTIC BOXING SIMULATION EVER MADE. SURE THERE'S PUNCH OUT! BUT THAT SHIT'S FOR THE Wii, REAL GAMERS WANT INSANE GRAPHICS SO REAL THAT THE BLOOD FLYING, SWEAT DRIPPING ACTION LOOKS LIKE AN OVERPRICED PAY-PER-VIEW FIGHT YOU REGRETFULLY PURCHASED!! FIGHT NIGHT ROUND 4 HITS YOU SO HARD YOUR LONG LOST COUSIN LIVING IN WYOMING WILL FEEL IT! THE SECRET IS IN ITS BI-ANNUAL PRODUCTION CYCLE! GIVING DEVELOPERS 2-YEARS TO MAKE THE GAME ASSURES THAT YOU WON'T BE FORCED TO BUY 'MORE OF THE SAME' BULLSHIT! FIGHT NIGHT ROUND 4 IS CLAIMING EDITOR'S CHOICE AWARDS FROM ALL THE MAJOR CRITICS AND IT CAN BE YOURS FOR JUST $59.99! BUT WAIT, CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL SEND YOU A RANDOM BOX OF STUFF OUT OF MY GARAGE, A COMPLETELY UNKNOWN VALUE, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE! – just pay processing – BUT WAIT, YOU WANT MORE AND I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MORE! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL SEND YOU 7 TUBES OF MIGHTY PUTTY, THE STRONGEST ADHEVSIVE KNOWN TO MAN, A $20 VALUE, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE! – just pay processing – HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!
HI … BILLY MAYS HERE FOR TONY HAWK: RIDE, THE SKATEBOARDING GAME THAT BRINGS THE FEELING OF AN ARCADE INTO YOUR VERY OWN LIVING ROOM! THE SECRET IS IN ITS ALL NEW SKATEBOARD CONTROLLER! WATCH AS I OLLIE OFF THESE STAIRS INTO A NARLY 50/50 GRIND! BOOYA!!! WHO'S THE SHIT!? THAT'S RIGHT, YOU TOO CAN THROW DOWN SOME DISGUSTING MUTE GRABS IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN LIVING ROOM FOR JUST $59.99! BUT WAIT, CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL THROW IN THE SKATEBOARD CONTROLLER, A $60 VALUE, ABSOLUTELY FREE! – just pay processing – WORRIED THAT YOU'RE GOING TO HURT YOURSELF?! CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN RIGHT NOW AND I'LL GIVE YOU A 10-PACK OF ZORBIES – THE MOST ABSORBENT TOWEL EVER – TO HELP SOAK UP THE BLOOD STAINS ON YOUR COFFEE TABLE, A $20 VALUE, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE! – just pay processing – YOU'RE GETTING TONY HAWK: RIDE, THE SKATEBOARD CONTROLLER AND THE 10-PACK OF ZORBIES, A $140 VALUE FOR JUST $59.99! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! CALL NOW!
HI … BILLY MAYS HERE FOR SMACKDOWN VS. RAW 2010, THE VIDEO GAME THAT BRINGS OVERSIZED SWEATY MEN RIGHT INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM! WHAT MORE COULD A WRESTLING FAN ASK FOR!? THE UBER-REFINED GAMEPLAY MAKES IT ENJOYABLE FOR NON GAMERS AND NON WRESTLING FANS AS WELL! WATCH AS I LAYETH THE SMACKETH DOWN ON THIS 12-YEAR OLD'S CANDY ASS! NOTICE HOW EASY IT WAS FOR ME TO LAND MY CREATED FINISHING MOVE, THE VERTICAL SUPLEX STUNNER! “KNOW YOUR ROLE KID AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” YOU TOO CAN LAY THE SMACKDOWN ON YOUR FRIENDS FOR JUST $59.99! BUT WAIT, CALL RIGHT NOW AND I'LL HAVE DOINK THE CLOWN PERSONALLY DELIVER THIS GAME TO YOUR DOOR, AN ENTIRELY UNKNOWN VALUE, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE! – just pay processing – BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! IF YOU CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN RIGHT NOW I'LL ALSO SEND HIS SIDEKICK DINK, A REDICULOUS PROPOSITION, YOURS ABSOULTELY FREE! – just pay processing – THAT'S ONE SMACKDOWN VS. RAW 2010 GAME DELIVERED TO YOU BY AN OLD WASHEDUP CLOWN AND HIS LITTLE SIDEKICK FOR ONLY $59.99! THIS IS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY THAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS AND THIS OFFER CAN NOT BE FOUND IN STORES! CALL NOW!!!!
