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The WWE is by far the very best wrestling company when it comes to innovating matches. From the Ladder Match, evolving into the TLC Match, the Inferno and Casket Matches, the Elimination Chamber, the Money in the Bank Ladder Matches and so on and so forth, those of us who watch wrestling can never fault the WWE for not trying to be innovative in terms of match creativity. Some work brilliantly, and some don’t, (Playboy Bunnies Pillow Fight anyone?) but there is one particular match that has set the standard for specialty matches and great booking in the WWE: The Hell in a Cell.
The Hell in a Cell Match is a very simple modification of the Cage Match that professional wrestling has utilized since the early 70’s to settle feuds, hold title matches, and smack someone in the face for insulting their mother. Unlike the traditional cage match where just the perimeter of the ring is surrounded by a cage, the Hell in the Cell shadows the ring and the outside area so that matches can be more creative in terms of bumps and high spots. The very first Hell in a Cell match took place in late 97 when the Undertaker faced Shawn Michaels for the WWE/WWF Title. It was one of the most brutal and brilliantly constructed matches in the history of professional wrestling, and still remains the benchmark for all cage matches that have followed.
Last night marked the WWE’s very first all Hell in a Cell Pay per View in their history. While not every match took place in the confines of the cage, three matches including both World Championship Matches did…with mixed results. Results and analysis to follow.
CM Punk (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. The Undertaker – Hell in a Cell Match
So low and behold I’m expecting a solid mid card match to begin the evening. Maybe the US Title Match or even the Jericho/Big Show vs. Batista/Mysterio match. No. We open with the World Heavyweight Title Match.
What? You don’t open with a World Title Match to warm the crowd up. This is where solid mid-carders or scrubs that we can make fun of perform for our amusement. The fact that the PPV opened with a World Title match could only mean one of two things:
1. Taker is severely injured and needed to keep the match short to go easy on him. But even then you could have saved it near the end of the card and still kept it a bit short to go easy on the Undertaker’s injuries.
2. CM Punk made the WWE angry somehow. It’s the only logical reason (besides an apparent injury) to the open the card this way. (There are reports now that Punk is in a lot of trouble over comments he made internally about John Cena and the dress code in the company. Word to the wise Punk: Never talk smack on the top star in the company. It never leads to anything good. Just ask the Ravens after Sunday’s loss.)
The match itself was meh. I love CM Punk as a performer and as a wrestler. He has a great gimmick that works whether he is a heel or a face, and he’s a great character that the fans love to hate. It’s a shame that he wasn’t utilized more with his title reign. The WWE could have established him as a monster heel (bad guy) that was a serious champion. But I guess since Punk didn’t want to change from his hoodie and blue jeans attire, he’s now in the doghouse.
Unfortunately he had to carry Taker throughout the short match. You can tell Taker was looking very sluggish and struggled to perform his basic moveset. (Rumors of hip replacement surgery are rampant throughout the locker room. I give him a ton of credit though. I’m not moving off the couch to take a whiz, let alone wrestle in a match if someone cut into me and replaced my hip. F that noise.)
Taker wins with the Tombstone Piledriver in the match that he made famous. The match was far too short and completely took the excitement out of the crowd right the opening get go.
Rating – 5.5 out of 10
John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler – Intercontinental Title Match
I like Dolph Ziggler as a wrestler, but doesn’t the name Dolph Ziggler sound like he should have been Ivan Drago’s sparring partner in Rocky IV? The Russian leader in the background saying “Everything he hits, he destroys!” while Ziggler is getting pummeled by Drago’s juiced up fists of fury. Seriously that needs to be his gimmick; The ex sparring partner of Ivan Drago who’s taking his revenge out on the WWE. I’m telling you it’s gold. I now demand it and will play the old CCCP National Anthem when he comes out of the curtain.
Anyway this was the match that got the most time on the card, and it was pretty decent. It’s obvious that the WWE are grooming these guys to be future stars in the company and they booked the match pretty well to showcase their abilities.
It wasn’t a bad effort by the two but I just wish Ziggler didn’t have a 4 move Lex Luger set. I literally think he had a headlock on Morrison for half the match. Then he just hit puches and a Rocker Dropper. That was his entire offense. He’s a really athletic guy, but he just needs to have some flashes of instant offense in there.
Morrison wins with the Starship Pain to retain the title. And nine year old girls everywhere in the WWE Universe rejoice.
Rating – 7 out of 10
Mickie James vs. Alicia Fox – Divas Championship
No one watches women’s wrestling. No one gets hurt.
Rating – None. The same amount of people who watch the WNBA.
Chris Jericho/Big Show vs. Batista/Rey Mysterio – Unified Tag Team Title Match
The bromance between the Big Show and Wrestling demi-god Chris Jericho continue as they defend their titles against Roid Rage Batista and Rey Mysterio.
Just throwing this out there. I know a lot of marks (supposedly smart wrestling fans) who watch wrestling love to complain that the WWE doesn’t utilize tag teams like they used to in the 80’s and early 2000’s, and that they’re wasting the division by just putting two mid carders or main eventers together to form a tag team. Well guess what? No one cares about tag teams. I was never really a fan of the matching uniformed tag team to begin with. I always thought it was kind of stupid, and frankly kind of corny. Yeah I’m sure fans really pine for the Killer Bees, (yes. Bee Costumes) the Highlanders (just guess) and the Headbangers. (yup) Quit complaining and deal with it. The best tag team matches that have ever happened in the industry have usually involved main event players or really good mid carders joining together and putting on a fantastic show. Why is that you ask? Because people aren’t paying good money to watch two guys in kilts or bee costumes. I want to see Chris Jericho and the Big Show as a team. They have a fantastic dynamic together, and by god Chris Jericho could wrestle a billy goat and I’d pay my hard earned money. Well it’s not really hard earned. On with the show…
Actually continuing the rant…everyone should be thankful that Jericho is thrown together with the Big Show as the Tag Champs, because you get to see them on both Raw and Smackdown, and frankly more Jericho = better product because Jericho > you.
A typical affair between high powered athletes such as Batista and Show. Limited move sets. Not much athleticism. And throwing around smaller wrestlers like me throwing out PETA ads. Fast and hard. That’s what she said.
Again nothing spectacular about this match except for Show lifting up Mysterio by his head from apron to the middle of the ring. That was much needed awesomeness. Everyone hits their signatures. The crowd cheers. Everyone still loves Rey and marks cheer for Jericho. Show and Jericho take the win when Show punches the ever living bejeezus out of Rey Rey as he tried to jump on him or something like that.
Rating – 7 out of 10
John Cena vs. Randy Orton – WWE Title – Hell in a Cell Match
For approximately the 2537th time, Orton faces Cena for the strap. Great…Granted they had a really great match at Breaking Point, but it’s time to stop the feud. It’s been going on since the Reagan administration and frankly it needs to stop.
From the get go of the match, I was noticing that so far that for having a large section of the PPV involved with the Hell in a Cell, the wrestlers weren’t really utilizing the cell that much. They were just pretending like it was a normal match and just not caring that a giant cage was around them. It was like they were uninterested guinea pigs and we were the tampering humans that kept rattling on the cage hoping they would do something. Alright enough of my strange childhood…
Another typical ho hum affair between these two. Unlike the Breaking Point match, this could have been on Raw telecast and I wouldn’t have been surprised. Very boring from beginning to end. Although it was interesting that Orton got the “clean” win. I don’t think I’ve seen Cena lose cleanly since Predator was in theatres. (Governor Carl Weathers?) And is it me or does Randy Orton look like Foghorn Leghorn lately?
Rating – 6.5 out of 10
R-Truth vs. Drew McIntyre
Why the hell was this on a PPV? This couldn’t have been on Superstars aka: Shotgun Saturday Night? Who’s brilliant decision was this to put this match 3rd to last on the card? Brick Tamlin? Complete waste.
Rating – 1 out of 10
Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger – United States Title
The Miz rolls out with the funniest promo of the night asking the mayor much like Conan O’Brian to ban him from Newark so he never has to visit the town again. Phenomenal.
But seriously on that note I want to take this opportunity to enlighten and educate you folks about a few things. You should never go to Newark New Jersey. If you live there, move. If you don’t, be very glad. It is a pretty desolate place which no man nor woman should ever have to inhabit or step foot in. I’m very certain I’ve seen grown men and women morph acid wash jeans on their body and start craving water ice when they enter. It’s disturbing. Anywho…
This was another waste of a match. This could have been brimming with potential with three really good athletes, but yet again like a lot of these kinds of matches, it’s just potential and never actually becomes anything special. Kofi retains the title by a swift kick to the face to Swagger that looked like it kind of hurt.
Match Rating – 5 out of 10
Triple H/Shawn Michaels vs. Cody Rhodes/Ted DiBiase Jr. – Hell in a Cell Match
So the main event of the night ends up being the match with no title on the line. Wonderful.
More ramblings by me. I know but just bear with me. There’s a lot of reports that are saying that Vince McMahon is pretty upset about the fact that the WWE can’t create new superstars that are worth a damn. Here’s an idea Vince. When the WWE was in their heyday in from about 97-01, the main even stars were bookended by excellent mid card talent that actually won some main event matches that showed the audience that these new up and comers were to be taken seriously as wrestlers and also showed that they could main event television events and PPV’s. Now obviously you haven’t learned from this experience as 90% of your main event talent are the same people who were headlining back in 01.
So here’s a trick. When you have a match that involves two older superstars against two young talented performers, you might want to let the young kids win the main event. You know to promote them, and create them as superstars. What a novel concept right? I seriously should be booking for this company.
Except that Legacy didn’t win the match. DX did again. I know that Legacy won the last match and all at Breaking Point but the kids need to win multiple times in a row to elevate them as serious competitors. Whatever. No one listens to me. Especially not my girlfriend. Why should she? I’m not that smart.
I do give these guys credit. This was the only that actually utilized the Hell in a Cell by locking out Triple H so Cody and Ted could double team Rogaine HBK. At least that part made sense
Lackluster though much like the rest of the PPV.
Match rating – 6.5 out of 10
At the end of the day it the concept of this PPV just didn’t live up to the potential that it had. Perhaps they’ll tweak the concept over the years, but somehow I doubt it. So there you go kids.
Hope you enjoyed.
Signing off from Parts Unknown
